The Intricacies of love

It has been a while now since we broke up. There is still emptiness inside of me. Initially, I felt as if we are meant to be together because of our family and ethnic background. We are almost the same. You are Orang Ulu but can't speak your own language, same goes to me. It is very rare... I am so happy because of knowing you. Thinking back the time that we were together, spend time together, it makes me happy because you know how to treat a girl... You really made me feel that I'm the only girl in the world... a princess. you are a 100% gentleman...

I just don't understand

why would you want to test me with that question and manipulated me to leave you?

Why on earth did you do that to me??

Now, after doing some self-reflection and hearing opinions from my friend, Emmee, I came to realize that...actually, both of us led this relationship up to this point. Whereby, you did not put your full trust in me. And I am so naive or more frankly, stupid...because I trust you so must that you want the best of me... Another 2 being to be blame are the time and place... The timing and the place were not right... We spent very few time together because of distance...

but I still believe

LOVE CONQUERS ALL....

Both of us still need to learn how to love, especially me....

If I love you, I won't leave you no matter no what.

If I love you, I would be very patient with you.

If I love you, I will always protect you

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13

Although this is the end of my real relationship with you(a guy that I want to be with), I just can say that I don't know how to love you the way that you want me to.

Yes, at that time, I thought you were being so thoughtful and so concern about be....but sad to say, I was being manipulated...I was just your experiment's object. I never thought my relationship with you ended in such an odd way. Very odd.... I did not expect that...I never thought we ended up like this...

Being in the relationship with me, your 4th girl, you still haven't learn anything in a relationship?? Sorry to say but you are still (in some situations)as childish as I am, still very emotional... You said that the main thing to build a good relationship are trust and honesty. You said it.....yet, why you have doubts in me??

I am not your exsss.....I am me.... Why did you have doubts in me??

Were you just planning to test the water of me??

Or because I am just THE SAME as you (mix blood) and want to try a non-chinese girl this time??

Or deep down in your heart, you still can't move on into a relationship??

Or maybe because you think that I did not care about you?

Or maybe I did not love you the way you want me to?

Or maybe because we did not have mutual understanding?

Or perhaps we were never meant to be together?

Do you know why I said "no" to you and will leave you if I know that you are sick and going to die?

because you are wiling to let me go and find another man... the secondary reason is because I don't want to end up like my mum... I don't want to suffer like she suffered... although she did not say it out but I know she was crying inside because of the death of my father. I wanted to be with you and I want to marry you...but ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS... I have done nothing to make you to trust me....I did not work hard to gain your trust and love... I want to blame the time and the distance but...I know the PRIMARY reason we can't be together was because of weak "foundations" in our relationship.... You've said, how can I trust for the things that I can't see? I will only believe it with my own eye.....

In conclusion, I was SELFISH. I admit I was. I did not do enough to love you. I am sorry for being so selfish.

This time, I promise myself that I will love others as I love myself. I will take one day at a time to learn what is life. I will take care of the people around me and help them willingly. I will learn to be more mature and more considerate for other people. Actually, when the people around me is happy, I will also be happy.

Knowing that you loved me has always been my motivation to be a better person. In striving to be a better person, I always remember you in my thoughts, words and actions... I want to be as good as you, as kind as you so that even I can't be with you, you are with me in my heart...